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Nugget the Plover Assassin, Saving the Beaches of Cape Cod from the menacing Piping Plover

Earliest Piping Plover Eggs spotted on Cape Cod Beach in 2010; level of evil in unhatched plover not yet determined
Update: Early Cape Cod ORV beach trail closings imminent. (read about piping plover eggs)
Nugget the Plover Assassin Trains for the 2010 Piping Plover Hunting Season at Nauset Beach in Cape Cod, MA
Bred from the scent-tracking prowess of Beagle and the unrelenting bloodthirst of Pug, Nugget the Plover Assassin protects Cape Cod beachgoers from the dangers of the feared predator Piping Plover. (Learn about Nugget the Piping Plover Assassin) | (Related: Recipes for Piping Plover | Piping Plovers on Cape Cod |)
Cape Cod National Seashore cancels plan to murder ugly wildlife to protect piping plovers (Read about Cape Cod National Seashore Piping Plovers)

CNBC changes primetime format to Marijuana, quits pretending to be a news network

Unable to compete in the 24-hour news infotainment format, CNBC has abandoned any remaining thread of editorial dignity and will now permanently rerun a documentary on how to succeed in the thriving Marijuana Industry at 8PM each night.

"Ratings have remained strong since CNBC began running this MJ expose 3 nights per week," said media analyst James Pickersnoot.
"Since daily MJ users have limited mental retention, CNBC can capitalize on America's drug habit by simply replaying a show potheads are likely to rewatch."

CNBC program directors were unable to be reached for comment. | (View Article)

Dangerous Trends In Democracy
Increased ticketing of motorists by law enforcement to raise revenue
Police officers are too important to be reduced to revenue collection agents. Increased ticketing to meet budgetary shortfalls is a tremendous threat to Democracy. Respect for the law erodes under misuse. As long as serious crimes continue to occur, we need to set priorities and focus our police officers' efforts.

Glen Beck, Drug addict
Ah, Glen Beck. While we normally welcome the idiotic musings of weak-minded fools, we shudder at Glen Beck's newly self-annointed status as our national savior.
Recovering drug addict Top-40 Morning Zoo DJ's like Glen Beck should limit their dopey routines to the confines of failing small-market FM stations.
Republican insistance on moronic media celebrities to promote their national agenda doesn't inspire confidence in their plans for America's resurgence.

Don Whitman, Guest Columnist"Send me money or I'll kill this tree!"
Guest Columnist Don Whitman, Millbridge MA

With all of you guilt-ridden environ-mental midgets out there willing to spend money on your lunatic "save the planet" conspiracies like carbon credits and organic apples, now is the perfect time to step up and show your support for your precious Mother Earth.  
Send Me Money Or I'll Kill This Tree!
Put your money where your mouth is.  Send me money, or I’ll kill this tree!

This maple is one of my neighborhood’s largest absorbers of deadly carbon dioxide, and the home to many nesting birds.  It is a perfect shade tree, and has provided my family years of enjoyment. 

But winter is coming.  Firewood is needed.  And this tree is first on my list. | (View Article)

Suuport Teenage Pregnancy - pay down our national debt
Local Business Executive Pads Annual Bonus $180,000 by Laying Off 3 workers; Employer capitalized on excessive negative media coverage of the economy to replace granite countertops in his mistresses' kitchen
James Pickersnoot, Manager of local media conglomerate Pickersnoot Enterprises, recently announced the layoff of 3 employees in the manufacturing division. "Amid constant negative economic reports in the media, this was the perfect opportunity to trim some payroll fat so that I could add another $180,000 to my annual bonus. Remaining employees are so grateful to still have a job in this economy, they didn't think to question why our still-profitable company would need to thin the herd. If this negative economic firestorm of media coverage continues, God willing I'll be able to move forward of my father's dream of progressive pay cuts for aging employees." | (View Article)
Top 10 Signs your company is headed for the Outhouse Basement
Is your company's culture is too focused on short-term profitability rather than long-term growth? Innovation is the key for success. Many companies overreacted to short-term setbacks during the recent market calamity and ruined their corporate culture. Here are the top 10 signs your company hit the panic button too hard and is close to sinking into the Outhouse Basement:
1. Mass Downsizing
Some companies saw the recent economic downturn as the perfect opportunity to cut higher salaried long-time employees, passing job responsibilities to subordinates on a lower pay scale.
2. "Be thankful you still have a job."
Remaining employees who question how they will be able to manage their new double/triple workload are told, "Well, just be thankful you still have a job." | (View Article)

Financial Advice for Desperate Times
Why pay your mortgage to the very companies who caused the U.S. financial crisis?
Citibank executives created and exploited loopholes in U.S. financial laws for their personal gain. As a result your home value has plummeted. Why should you even have to pay your mortgages to these douchebags? Think you'll get them to pay back their share of the bailout? Good fucking luck!
Indian Casino gaming in MA: "Let's finally get those white son-of-a-bitches back!"
The appalling destruction of native peoples by our country is unquestionably shameful. Granting sovereign privilege upon tiny parcels for the purposes of allowing private investors to profit from casino gambling is distasteful to the heritage and traditions of these native tribes. Much better to let Massachusetts politicians share in the bribes from casino investors. Racinos, Mr. Speaker?
Don Whitman, Guest Columnist"Why I support teen pregnancy
Guest Columnist Don Whitman, Millbridge, MA
Years ago, late in the last millennium, Republicans anointed themselves as the saviors of “Family Values” to increase their electability among religious conservatives.  Abstinence-only sex-ed policies in schools and Pro-Life views on abortion were primary tenets of this creed. This was a mistake. 
As our national deficit skyrocketed under their supposedly “fiscally conservative” economic policies, other hypocrisies reared their ugly heads quicker than a congressional foot brushing into your stall at Midwestern airport.  An urgent need was realized – since all of this national debt was being passed to our grandchildren, it is important to limit this burden as much as possible by increasing the number of people who will be paying it off.  The era of Family Values has come to a close. | (View Article)

This Space For Rent

Due to economically opportunistic staffing cuts by our parent company, pretty much our fucking whole operation here at The Outhouse Basement is in the shitter. Despite our growing popularity on the internet, 2009 print revenues have tanked. Soon after our print publication switched from monthly to bi-weekly (and then to once a month two issues later), our only halfway decent advertisers split, leaving us with a couple of scumbag companies catering to thieving junkies and dipshits.
Hey, we'll take it, but damn it all, we're not thrilled about it.

Homeless woman starves to death outside an anti-abortion rally in Elm Park in Worcester, MassachusettsLocal Homeless Woman Starves to Death Outside of Anti-Abortion Rally
NEWS BRIEF- October 5, 2009  -
WORCESTER, MA -- Local homeless woman Samantha “Snaggletooth” Nelson was found dead on a bench at Elm Park in Worcester after a recent anti-abortion rally.  The cause of death appears to be starvation. 
Ms. Nelson’s corpse was discovered by a six year old boy attending the Pro-Fetus rally with his ultra-religious parents.  Police are investigating why the death was ignored for many hours by the other rally attendees, who apparently were so concerned with saving the unwanted babies of strangers that they didn’t hear Ms. Nelson’s final hours of desperate pleas for Christian charity. 
Witnesses report that the deceased Ms. Nelson was admonished by a nearby rally attendee in post-mortem for not holding up a sign in support of their cause, instead slumping on the bench with a small cardboard square reading “Please God Someone Help Me, I’m Starving.”
Ms. Nelson is best known for being indicted in a scam Cash For Gold operation run out of the backseat of a rusty 1987 Chevy Van. She is survived by a tapeworm named Thelma.

Clean Burning Coal
Democracy in Decline: The Economics of Disaster and The Decline of Democracy
Mr. John McCain
American classrooms have long instilled American Democracy as the most perfect system of governance created by man. This illusion is essential to create the ambivalence required to sustain a permanent election cycle, where political self-preservation takes precedence over the needs of our country. | (View Article)
Democracy gasps from it's deathbed:
U.S. Supreme Court finally votes to allow corporations to purchase democratic elections

Jan. 22, 2010 - Anti-democratic forces within the Supreme Court staged a powerful victory yesterday for their corporate financiers by removing contribution limits for corporations looking to purchase political candidates.
"This is a natural Darwinian progression for a capitalistic democracy," explains James Pickersnoot, a prominent local conservative. "Corporations financing political candidates will see a massive return on their investment almost immediately. Traditional businesses seeking success solely through innovation and hard work will not be able to compete against the profit levels of politically-connected rivals. It is a great success for capitalism in American politics. Soon costly political campaigns will be unnecessary since only the richest corporations will define all democratic elections in the United States."
Courtroom Brief: Ringleader Granny McDermalick and sons sentenced to 3 years in Westboro Baptist Church sodomy blackmail case; LCD Dating Services found not liable
LCD Dating Services has been cleared of wrongdoing in a blackmail scam in which 17 members of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church were bilked out of nearly $50,000. The church, which is infamous for disrupting the funerals of fallen soldiers, was reportedly targeted by elderly mastermind Granny McDermalick and her sons Tito and Seamus.
Granny would lure members of the Westboro Baptist Church onto dates using a popular web site for LCD Dating Services, with the promise of letting them fulfill their sordid sexual rape fantasies upon a defenseless old woman. Her sons would then enter the room and forcibly sodomize the men with broomsticks. Granny photographed the greasy mess, using the pictures to blackmail the notoriously anti-gay Church members and their families. | (View Article)
Opinion Survey: " We asked some folks on Main Street in Worcester "Who would you rather see moving in next door to you: O.J. Simpson, an Opiate Freak, or a Child Molester?"
"Huh? Opiates? You got some a dat boy? What else you got in them pockets bitch?"

- Calvin
Worcester MA
don whitman
"I'll take The Juice. My wife's brunette and i don't collect sports junk, I should be safe."
- Don Whitman
Millbridge MA

fruity guy
"The Diddler. I'm Level 2 myself, God help me. Plus O.J. seems like such a bad guy."
- Walter Combs
Sturbridge MA
meth lady
"O.J. I guess. He seems good to his kids."
- Norma Jizzly
Oxford MA
Barack Obama, Morality, Racism, and ReligionOBAMA!
Is Barack Obama's decades-long silent consent of his racist pastor Jeremiah Wright's incendiary words indicative of the larger problem of racism in our society? Is it solely a race issue?
Or is it tacit acknowledgement that a United States Presidential candidate must express deep religious convictions in order to carry certain segments of our population who are only capable of associating virtue, morality and values with strong religious faith?
Is an agnostic morality based solely upon a deep, rational evaluation of right and wrong somehow less valid than a morality based upon fear of reprisal from a higher power? | (View Article)
Stupid Trends In Marketing
"Drinkability" in Light Beer
Guys, If you don't like the taste of beer, don't drink it. Yeah, maybe you can drink a lot of your precious light beers, tough guy. But there's less alcohol. So stop counting. No one cares. There's a reason light beers are marketed towards 17 year olds. And why whiskey isn't. So stop being so much of a pussy and keep your watery Bud Light counting heroics to yourself.
Main Street vs. Wall Street
Near where I live, Main Street is where any asshole who scratches up $20 can go to get a semi-toothed blowjob from some heroin-addicted hooker. So stop using Main St. as a metaphor for the common man in the face of Wall St. capitalistic excess. Your constantly reinforcing "news" coverage is the primary reason everyone got so fucking negative about the economy anyway. Our economic decline is decades old, why start caring now?