Cape Cod National Seashore environmentalists cancel plan to murder wildlife |
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Wellfleet, MA - Cape Cod National Seashore management has cancelled plans to protect cute piping plovers by poisoning ugly crows. |
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Supporters of the crow poisoning claim that since the local crow population has flourished by adapting to changes in the environment caused by humanity, therefore the crows must be poisoned to protect the endangered piping plovers, who were unable to similarly adapt. "Following their misguided logic, they should consider targeting the true source of the piping plover's decline: humanity itself," griped Marvin Tozeski, leader of the local underground surfcasting cult MARV. "If it's humans that are the problem, then what's next? Them environmentalists gonna put poisoned eggs at Denny's and IHOP's?" National Seashore officials are quick to point out the public benefit of "managing" crow populations through murder, stating that any increases in the plover population would decrease the annual bans on human presence at public beaches while the piping plovers are nesting. Marvin disagrees. "The more plovers that nest, the more beaches they'll close on us. Piping plovers will never adapt to breed efficiently enough to overcome their endangered status, no matter what environmentalists attempt. You can't dictate Darwinism." |
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