The Massachusetts Audubon Society's Coastal Waterbirds Program did not release information on the level of evil detected in this first piping plover egg, but empirical evidence suggests Piping Plover chicks born early in the season are the most dangerous.

Piping Plovers possess their greatest evil at birth, and even unhatched eggs are known to attack humans without provocation.

State and Federal Laws require Cape Cod beaches to close for 25-30 days during the Piping Plover eggs hatch to prevent human attacks.

"Piping Plovers are purposefully evolving to lengthen their breeding seasons to prolong ORV beach closings on Cape Cod," warned Marvin Tozeski, leader of the Underground Surfcasting Cult MARV. "I've been warning people for years."

Other wildlife experts confirm Marv's research. "So maybe this is a trend, and not an anomaly," agreed Becky Harris, director of the Massachusetts Audubon Society's Coastal Waterbird Program, referring to the early start to recent plover breeding seasons.

Local officials are urging residents not to panic.

If Piping Plovers determine that their young are not evil enough, they will destroy them and attempt a second breeding cycle.

"In 2009 piping plovers closed Nauset Beach from May through August!" Marv said, before draining a can of Coors Light and tossing it into his bait cooler. "Now it might be April? Why even buy an ORV sticker?"

Additional Information:
Nugget the Piping Plover Assassin | Piping Plover Recipes | National Seashore cancels plans to murder ugly crows