"Send me money or I'll kill this tree!" - Outhouse Basement: Opinion

"Send me money or I'll kill this tree!"
Guest Columnist Don Whitman, Millbridge MA

"Send me money or I'll kill this tree!"

With all of you guilt-ridden environ-mental midgets out there willing to spend money on your lunatic "save the planet" conspiracies like carbon credits and organic apples, now is the perfect time to step up and show your support for your precious Mother Earth.

Put your money where your mouth is. Send me money, or I’ll kill this tree!

This maple is one of my neighborhood’s largest absorbers of deadly carbon dioxide, and the home to many nesting birds. It is a perfect shade tree, and has provided my family years of enjoyment. But winter is coming. Firewood is needed. And this tree is first on my list.

Spend all the time you want at rallies promoting whatever wacko cause is in favor that day. Your actions are useless. No one notices, and nothing positive ever results. Tired of trying to make yourself feel like your very existence isn’t the true cause of the planet’s collapse? Then make a REAL difference – save this precious tree!

I’m taking bids, but you better make it worth my while. Twenty bucks ain’t gonna cut it here folks. Burning this tree will save me thousands on my oil bill. So prepare to pony up. I’m serious.

Piping Plovers crunch like little rice krispies

Send me money or I'll kill this tree! If you don’t pay me to save this tree, I’m going to burn it as inefficiently as possible, producing maximum pollution. Think I’m kidding? Try me! Maybe I’ll just cut it down and leave it rotting on my lawn, for all to see. So no one can use it. I will too, that’s the kind of guy I am.

Sure, this tree’s been around a lot longer than me, but one minute with my chainsaw and that’s all she wrote. I can hear it now. The unnecessary revving of my saw as I approach, burning extra fossil fuel, just to let the tree know what's in store. Smoke pouring out of it.

I’ll cut this tree down slowly, too. So that it can feel the pain. The initial searing cut. The steady throttle as I rip through the tree’s precious flesh. The final desperate cracking as the tree crashes to the ground, dead to the world.

Yup, this tree is a real beauty. Nature is precious. But you buying all the energy efficient light bulbs in the world can’t save this noble Maple tree from its fate.

You say you care about the environment, right? Well then prove it with actions, not words. Send me money, or I’ll kill this tree!

--Don Whitman